Me: What are you doing right now?
Sister: I’m at work and I don’t want to be. You?
Me: I need to write a blog post and I have no idea what to write about.
Sister: Does it have to be Jewish?
Sister: Does it have to be about motherhood?
Sister: Does it have to be about anything?
Me: It’s my blog. I can write about whatever I want.
Sister: How about how much motherhood blows? My kid has pneumonia and an ear infection right now and he slept next to me last night and breathed in my face and I had to lay on my back so he could sleep on my chest and I don’t sleep on my back and it sucked.
Me: That sucks.
Sister: Then in the morning, he woke up and smiled at me and said, “Hi! Hi! Hi!” And then I was like, “O-kay. You’re cute…” And I was in love with him again.
Sister: Write about how you think you’re going to be in love with motherhood every second, and then you’re not.
Me: No one’s in love with motherhood every second. Our mother did us no favors by making it seem like she loved it all the time.
Sister: She did love it all the time.
Me: Bullshit. She loved us all the time, but it was HARD raising us. She needed a break, too. Why do you think she had live-in help?
Sister: I want live-in help.
Me: I want a wife.
Sister: (sighs) I thought I was going to be a good mom.
Me: You are a good mom.
Sister: I did not acclimate well to this thing. I keep waiting for things to get back to normal.
Me: Dude, I’m almost ten years in and I still haven’t acclimated. And there is no more normal. Things are a certain way, and you get used to it, and then it changes. Every time.
Me: My kid told me he wanted a new mom today.
Sister: I probably said that.
Me: I for sure said that.
Sister: How did she not hate us? I NEVER washed my dishes. Ever. I just left them in the sink.
Me: Dude, I used to just drop my dirty clothes in front of the washing machine. I didn’t even bother to put them IN. And I was, like, twenty.
Sister: We were the worst.
Me: We had no clue. Now I get it. She told me that after I had my first. She said, “I think now you’ll understand who I am.” There’s no way you can get what it’s like to be a mom until you are one. And you’ll never understand your own mother while you’re still a kid. You’re too busy thinking about yourself.
Sister: It’s not fair.
Me: So not fair.
Sister: And how the hell did Dad afford to take us to Disney World a hundred times? Do you know how much day care costs?
Me: Hello? I’m paying yeshiva tuition for FIVE CHILDREN.
Me: I don’t think Jesus paid tuition.
Sister: I don’t know how you have more than one. It’s like those people who have a million relationships because they like falling in love. But then the kids get bigger and it’s insane. Then again, if I had another one, maybe the little guy wouldn’t want me all the time.
Me: That’s for sure. I had more than one kid just so they would entertain each other.
Sister: Just tell me it gets easier.
Me: I don’t want to lie to you.
Me: I mean, it does get easier in some ways, and it gets harder in others. When they’re little, it’s more physically demanding. As they get older, it’s more emotional and mental. Right now, for me, it’s the fighting. I can’t take them screaming at each other all the time. Sometimes it’s so piercing I have to stop myself from punching them in the head.
Sister: Did we fight like that?
Me: For sure. Remember I used to lock you in the bathroom on purpose?
Sister: You were an idiot.
Me: So were you. And I had better eyebrows.
Sister: I don’t want to work right now.
Me: Work is stupid.
Sister: I’m so tired….When will I not be tired?
Me: We will never not be tired again.
Sister: Crap, my client is coming in. Gotta go. Loveyoubye.